Ep. 13 – 3 Powerful Relationship Advice from Two Counselors

Acceptance Path

Two mental health experts have joined forces to make an uplifting podcast about well-being and personal growth. We use this show to share fresh and sometimes eye-opening ideas, helping listeners create a more fulfilling life. We’re not pushing any one viewpoint – instead, we’ll bring in guests from all walks of life to expand our understanding of the world. Come along with us as we explore different outlooks together.

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#13: Marriage Life, Relationship Issues, and Couple Counseling

byAJ Huynh and Sheree Morgan

In this episode, AJ and Sheree discuss relationships, mental health, and personal growth. We share insights from our professional experience as therapists, along with personal stories and examples. Our conversations aim to help listeners better understand themselves and improve their relationships.

Show Podcast Information

Sheree and AJ, the hosts of the Acceptance Path podcast, recently tackled the intricate world of marriage in a candid conversation. They explored the challenges couples face and offered valuable relationship advice based on their own experiences and insights.

The Highs and Lows of Marriage Counseling

The conversation began with a discussion about marriage counseling and its effectiveness. AJ expressed his skepticism about couple’s therapy, citing high divorce rates even after counseling. However, Sheree highlighted the importance of a safe space for couples to communicate and address their issues with a neutral third party.

“Oftentimes what happens in a marriage is the couple gets to a point where they don’t feel safe just to each other,” Sheree explained. “And so having a third party who’s neutral…can be beneficial because they feel safer.”

Sheree emphasized the importance of open communication and seeking to understand each other’s perspectives before reacting. She shared a personal anecdote about an exercise her husband used to ensure clear communication, which she now uses in her own practice as a mediator.

Relationship Advice: More Than Just a Feeling

The discussion then shifted to the nature of love itself. Sheree distinguished between loving the feeling of love and loving the person. She emphasized the importance of viewing love as an action word, demonstrating love through actions even when feelings waver.

“It’s something that you do,” Sheree explained. “So for example, when your spouse gets on your very last nerve…you’re going to be loving to your spouse because you love them as a person.”

AJ likened the different aspects of love to internal and external experiences, agreeing that love goes beyond fleeting emotions. He humorously noted that Sheree’s perspective seemed to align with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which emphasizes taking action based on one’s values.

His main relationship advice is to focus on actions rather than feelings. Love and to love someone are two separate concepts.

Unraveling Insecurities

Sheree introduced the concept of core insecurities in relationships, referencing the work of author Shaunti Feldhahn. According to Feldhahn’s research, women often struggle with the question, “Am I lovable?” while men grapple with “Am I adequate?”

“Does my spouse really love me? Does my spouse think I’m beautiful?” Sheree elaborated, highlighting the underlying concerns for many women. For men, it’s often about whether their spouse respects them and believes in their capabilities.

Sheree stressed the importance of partners acting as allies in helping each other overcome these insecurities. “My spouse has insecurities. I’m not responsible for his insecurities, but I can help him and come alongside of him as an ally.” She shared a personal example of how her husband relies on her belief in him in the podcast episode. Her relationship advice is to support NOT fix your partner.

AJ raised questions about the research methodology used by Feldhahn, highlighting the potential for bias in surveys. However, he agreed with the overall message of supporting one’s partner and addressing personal insecurities.

The Crewmate Analogy

AJ introduced a powerful metaphor to illustrate the dynamics of a relationship:

“Imagine you’re the captain of your ship. You have a destination that you want to go to… For any ship, it’s a big vast ocean. We need crewmates… Is your partner the crewmate that will help you towards where you want to go?”

This analogy sparked a discussion about commitment and responsibility within a relationship. Sheree raised the question of how this analogy applies to situations where a partner experiences a life-altering event, such as an accident.

AJ clarified that the “crewmate” metaphor emphasizes the importance of choosing a partner who shares your values and supports your personal growth. He explained that supporting a partner through challenging times provides opportunities to become the type of person you aspire to be. “How can you be caring if the other person doesn’t need your care? How can you love someone if the other person doesn’t need your love?”

Nagging and Teamwork

The conversation touched upon the topic of nagging, with AJ emphasizing the importance of context and intention. “A lot of time we engage in nagging…is something show up that’s uncomfortable for me. I want to get this person to do what I wanted or agreed upon. And I get agitated,” he explained. He highlighted that nagging driven by anger and frustration is unlikely to be effective in the long run.

Sheree shared her personal experience with nagging and how it affected her relationship with her husband. She realized that her attempts to control his actions were counterproductive and now focuses on finding solutions independently when necessary.

AJ suggested that asking a partner to do tasks together can be a more effective way to overcome initial resistance and foster teamwork.

Steering the Ship Together

Sheree concluded the discussion by emphasizing the importance of teamwork in marriage:

“We are teammates. We’re on the same team. I want to support you. You support me. We’re in this together… I’m the captain of my own ship. You’re the captain of your own ship, but together we can create this beautiful fleet.”

AJ echoed this sentiment, highlighting that reciprocity is essential in any relationship, not just romantic ones. Both hosts agreed that a successful relationship involves mutual support and a shared vision for the future.

This insightful conversation offers valuable relationship advice for navigating the complexities of marriage. By understanding the roles of love, insecurity, and teamwork, couples can build stronger, more fulfilling relationships.