Premarital Counseling: What to Talk About Before the Wedding

Most people picture premarital counseling as something for couples already in trouble, or a box to tick before the wedding. Usually it’s neither. More often it’s time set aside, while things are going well, to talk through money, family, conflict and what each of you expects from married life, with someone who keeps the conversation fair.

This guide covers what premarital counseling is, what couples usually talk about, how it differs from the premarital course that Texas encourages, and what the research does and does not show. It is written for couples who are engaged or thinking about it.

Premarital Counseling at a Glance

Premarital counseling is a series of guided conversations that helps two people prepare for marriage before the wedding. Here is the short version.

• It is for couples who are doing well, not only couples who are struggling.
• Couples often talk through communication, conflict, money, family, children and roles at home.
• Texas encourages a premarital course before you marry, but it does not require a course or counseling.
• A qualifying course from a registered Twogether in Texas provider can waive the 72-hour wait and, for Texas residents, the state’s $60 license fee.
• A course and counseling are different services, and only a registered provider’s course comes with the certificate that earns those benefits.
• Research links premarital education with better communication, while results on later satisfaction and divorce are mixed.
• At Acceptance Path, couples are seen within the week, in person in Houston-Willowbrook or The Woodlands, or by secure video when both of you are in Texas.
• A couples session costs the same as an individual session: $150 with a fully licensed counselor or $100 with an associate.

If you would like a licensed counselor to help the two of you prepare, we can match you with one who sees couples.

Find a couples counselor

What Is Premarital Counseling?

Premarital counseling is a kind of couples counseling that happens before the wedding, usually while things are going well. The two of you meet with a counselor or another trained guide and talk through how each of you pictures married life. Some people call it premarital therapy or pre-marriage counseling, but either way it’s about skills and expectations, not a crisis, and nobody passes or fails.

It can help engaged couples, and couples who live together and are thinking about marriage, people marrying again or blending families, and partners from different faiths or cultures. If the two of you keep circling the same argument, it may suit you, too. You don’t need a problem to start.

Nguyễn Tân

Premarital Counseling vs a Premarital Course

Texas law encourages each person applying for a marriage license to take a premarital education course of at least 8 hours in the year before applying. Under the Texas Family Code, the course must cover conflict management, communication skills and the key components of a successful marriage.

The same law lists who may teach these courses: marriage educators, clergy or their designees, licensed mental health professionals, and faith-based and community-based organizations.

A course usually follows a set curriculum, in a class or online, and covers the same ground for each couple that takes it. Counseling is built around the two of you. You bring the subjects, a counselor helps when a conversation stalls, and it can carry on after the wedding if both of you want that.

Pauline Iakovleva

Twogether in Texas and Your Marriage License

Texas offers these courses on Twogether in Texas, the state’s site for the program. The site lists approved providers, in person and online, that you can search by ZIP code, city or county.

According to the Twogether in Texas FAQ, the course must come from a registered Twogether in Texas provider for you to get the certificate and the license discount. The certificate is good for one year.

If you apply for your license within a year of finishing the course and give the county clerk the certificate, the 72-hour wait after the license is issued no longer applies. Under the Texas Local Government Code, Texas residents who do this also pay no state marriage license fee, which is $60.

Counties may add local fees of up to $22, and the program says those are not waived. The certificate comes from a registered provider’s course, not from counseling sessions in general, so ask any provider whether they are registered before you pay.

You don’t have to choose between them. A course can cover the basics, while counseling can take on the subjects that keep turning into arguments. If the same argument keeps coming back, couples counseling gives both of you a place to work on it.

Ian Harber

What Premarital Counseling Usually Covers

Every couple brings a different list. The subjects below are common starting points, not a checklist. A counselor follows the ones that matter most to the two of you.

How you talk and how you argue

This covers how each of you raises a problem and what happens when voices rise. It also covers whether one of you pushes to talk while the other needs space, and how you make up after a fight. For more, see our article on productive conflict resolution.

Money and debt

Money talks cover spending and saving habits, any debt each of you brings, whether to combine accounts, who pays which bills, and how much either of you can spend without checking in first. What money looked like growing up often shapes what feels normal now. Some couples have never said any of this out loud.

Family, in-laws and the holidays

This covers how close each of you is to your family, how often you’ll visit, and what happens when parents have opinions about your plans. It also covers how holidays get split. Setting limits can be hard, and our article on boundaries in relationships covers that.

Children and parenting

You might talk about whether you want children, when, and how you’d raise them. You might also talk about what happens with children from an earlier relationship. Hopes can differ between partners, and hearing where the other stands early, before plans are made, can help.

Work, chores and where you will live

Careers come up, including how much time work takes. So do chores, including who does which, and whether either of you would move for a job. Then there’s where you want to live, and near whose family, since that choice affects both of you.

Dominic Chasse

Affection, intimacy and time together

This covers how each of you shows care, what you expect around physical intimacy, and how you balance time together with time for friends or time alone. These talks can feel awkward. A counselor can help keep them plain and respectful.

Health, habits and the past

Physical and mental health, drinking and other habits, and what earlier relationships taught each of you can all come up. Talking about them before the wedding can help you plan for them together, rather than find out later, when the pressure is already high.

Faith, values and traditions

Some couples share a religious practice and some have none, and others bring different cultural traditions and holidays. Ideas about how faith or culture would shape your home and any children can differ, too. A counselor can help you hear each other and respect each other’s beliefs, matching or not.

Libby Penner

Premarital Counseling Questions to Ask Each Other

These questions do not have right answers. They are a way to find out where you already agree and where you will need to keep talking.

• What did money look like in the homes we grew up in, and what do we want it to look like in ours?
• Will we combine our money, keep it separate or do some of each?
• How does each of us act when we are angry, and what helps us cool down?
• Do we want children, and if so, when, and how do we want to raise them?
• How often will we see each of our families, and where will we spend the holidays?
• Who will do which chores, and how will we decide when that needs to change?
• What does each of us need when work gets busy or stressful?
• What part will faith, culture or tradition play in our home?
• How does each of us like to show affection and receive it?
• What would we do if one of us wanted to move for a job?

Take a few questions at a time, at a calm moment rather than in the middle of planning. Listen to understand, not to win. If a question stirs up strong feelings, it’s worth bringing to a counselor.

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What Happens in Premarital Counseling

Both of you meet with the same counselor. The counselor’s job is to help both of you be heard, not to decide who is right.

Early sessions usually cover what brought you in and what each of you hopes to get from it. They also cover how you met, your families and what you have already talked about. Later sessions often take a single subject at a time, and you may try a conversation at home in between.

No one can honestly tell you at the start how many sessions you will need. Your counselor will talk through your goals with you, and you can revisit how often you meet as things change.

Andy Vult

Does Premarital Counseling Work?

A 2006 study based on a large random survey of four middle American states found that taking part in premarital education was linked with higher satisfaction and commitment, less conflict and lower odds of divorce. The authors note that survey methods allow only weak conclusions about cause and effect.

A 2014 National Marriage Project report found a similar pattern. Of people who had premarital preparation, 57 percent reported marital quality in the top 40 percent, compared with 32 percent of those who had none, and the authors say they cannot prove cause and effect.

The same report found that couples who slid through major relationship transitions, rather than making deliberate decisions about them, had poorer marital quality.

Controlled studies give a more careful picture. A 2008 review of 117 studies of marriage and relationship education found gains in relationship quality and larger gains in communication skills, but the studies rarely addressed whether couples stayed together.

A 2010 review of 47 studies of premarital programs found that they appear to improve how couples communicate, but not relationship satisfaction once unpublished studies are included. An earlier review from 2003 found that the average person who took part in a premarital program was better off afterward than 79 percent of people who did not, but it found too little long-term follow-up to say how long that lasts.

A randomized trial that followed couples through the first 8 years of a first marriage compared a structured premarital program with the premarital services that couples’ religious organizations already offered. It found no difference in overall divorce rates.

Most of this research studied structured education programs, not counseling with a licensed counselor. It shows what preparation can do, not what any one counselor will do.

Preparation isn’t a promise, and no study can say how your own marriage will go. What the research does support is practice: learning to talk about hard things while the stakes are lower. That’s something the two of you can work on together.

Mark Timberlake

When Premarital Counseling Is Not the Right First Step

If you are afraid of your partner, or one of you is being hurt, threatened or controlled, couples counseling is not the place to start. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788.

In crisis or thinking about suicide, call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, any time. If someone is in immediate danger, call 911.

How to Choose a Premarital Counselor

Look for someone licensed who works with couples, who doesn’t take sides, and whom both of you feel comfortable with. Ask how they work and what a first session looks like, and notice whether both of you feel heard in the answer. If your faith community asks for its own preparation, ask how counseling can sit alongside it.

In Texas, professional counselors, marriage and family therapists, psychologists and social workers are licensed through the Texas Behavioral Health Executive Council, which has an online license search.

Questions to ask a counselor before you book

• Are you licensed in Texas, and do you see couples?
• What does a first session with both of us look like?
• What does a session cost, and will insurance pay for any of it?
• Can we meet by video, and do we both need to be in Texas?

Premarital Counseling in Texas at Acceptance Path

Acceptance Path Counseling is a Texas counseling practice, and five of our licensed counselors see couples, married or not. They are Cathryn Birden and Christopher Walker in Houston-Willowbrook, and Ricardo Alvarez, Kellie Lomas and Denise Laird in The Woodlands.

You can meet in person at our Houston-Willowbrook office or through couples counseling in The Woodlands. There is no couples counselor at our Katy office, so couples counseling in Katy runs by video or at one of our other two offices.

If an office is not practical, online therapy anywhere in Texas works for couples too, as long as both of you are in Texas at the time of the session. Couples are seen within the week.

Brett Wharton

A session costs $150 with a fully licensed counselor or $100 with an associate, the same as an individual session. Some insurance plans pay for couples sessions and some do not, so we check your benefits and give you the estimated cost before you book.

To see how we work, read about couples and marriage counseling, see what marriage counseling costs, meet our counselors, office by office, or browse all of our counseling services.

If an affair has already shaken your trust in each other, our guide to marriage counseling after infidelity explains how counseling can help.

On the short form, choose “Me and my partner,” and we will match you with a counselor who sees couples. You can start with a free consultation or go straight to a first session.

Get matched with a couples counselor

Frequently Asked Questions

Is premarital counseling worth it?

For many couples it can be, though no one can promise how a marriage will go. Research links premarital education with better communication, and surveys link it with happier, more stable marriages, but they cannot prove it causes them.

Is premarital counseling required in Texas?

No. Texas law encourages people applying for a marriage license to take a premarital education course, but it does not require a course or counseling to marry.

Does premarital counseling lower the cost of a Texas marriage license?

Not by itself. A course from a registered Twogether in Texas provider, finished within a year before you apply, waives the 72-hour wait and, for Texas residents, the state’s $60 license fee once you give the county clerk your certificate. Counties may still charge local fees.

How many sessions of premarital counseling do we need?

No one can honestly tell you at the start. Your counselor will talk through your goals with you, and you can revisit how often you meet as things change.

When should we start premarital counseling?

There’s no set time. Starting well before the wedding gives you room to talk without the pressure of planning. Even if the date is close, you can start with the subjects that feel most pressing, and some couples keep going after the wedding.

How much does premarital counseling cost at Acceptance Path?

A session costs $150 with a fully licensed counselor or $100 with an associate, the same as an individual session. Some plans pay for couples sessions and some do not, so we check your benefits and tell you the estimated cost before you book.

Can we do premarital counseling online in Texas?

Yes. Couples can meet by secure video, as long as both of you are in Texas at the time of the session. Tell us you prefer video when you fill out the form.

What if my partner does not want to go?

You can start on your own. Individual counseling can work on your side of the pattern, and couples sessions can begin later if your partner decides to join.

Sources

• Texas Legislature. Family Code, Chapter 2: The Marriage Relationship. Sections 2.013 and 2.204.
• Texas Legislature. Local Government Code, Chapter 118: Fees Charged by County Officers. Sections 118.011 and 118.018.
• Twogether in Texas. Marriage Education with Benefits. Search for Marriage Education Services.
• Twogether in Texas. Frequently Asked Questions.
• Stanley SM, Amato PR, Johnson CA, Markman HJ. Premarital education, marital quality, and marital stability: findings from a large, random household survey. J Fam Psychol. 2006;20(1):117-126.
• Rhoades GK, Stanley SM. Before “I Do”: What Do Premarital Experiences Have to Do with Marital Quality Among Today’s Young Adults? The National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, 2014.
• Hawkins AJ, Blanchard VL, Baldwin SA, Fawcett EB. Does marriage and relationship education work? A meta-analytic study. J Consult Clin Psychol. 2008;76(5):723-734.
• Fawcett EB, Hawkins AJ, Blanchard VL, Carroll JS. Do premarital education programs really work? A meta-analytic study. Fam Relat. 2010;59(3):232-239.
• Carroll JS, Doherty WJ. Evaluating the effectiveness of premarital prevention programs: a meta-analytic review of outcome research. Fam Relat. 2003;52(2):105-118.
• Markman HJ, Rhoades GK, Stanley SM, Peterson KM. A randomized clinical trial of the effectiveness of premarital intervention: moderators of divorce outcomes. J Fam Psychol. 2013;27(1):165-172.
• Texas Behavioral Health Executive Council. Online Search/Verify a License.

Disclaimer: This content is for educational purposes only. Therapy, counseling, and other mental health treatments discussed here are professional services that should only be pursued under the supervision of a licensed mental health professional.

Information provided does not constitute a claim of safety, effectiveness, diagnosis, or treatment outcomes. Any treatment, if appropriate, is provided only after a thorough clinical evaluation by a qualified licensed clinician at Acceptance Path Counseling.